


What He Knew and What He Thought

by Cant_We_Just_Dance



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Cheating, I havent posted anything in a while and i crave validation so here ya go, Infidelity, Jamilton - Freeform, LAFLAMS IS NOT ENDGAME, Laflams, Lets play can u find the And He Was The Sun reference, M/M, Multi, Too Many Metaphors, its hard to explain, just read the damn fic, kind of, overly poetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:25:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cant_We_Just_Dance/pseuds/Cant_We_Just_Dance
Summary: What one knows and what one thinks can be rather different, even when concerning the same situation, or set of options.So, please, do tell-If Alexander knows that what he is doing with Thomas is wrong, then why doesn't he think so?





	What He Knew and What He Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is @jamisahivemind from tumblr! Make sure to comment, kudos, and hang out with me over on the hellsite!

When the world is quiet, and the sky is blue, and the winds have stilled, if only for a moment, that is the only time Alexander can find himself in Thomas’s embrace. The leaves drifted to the ground, no longer waltzing through the air like uncoordinated ballerinas, instead being able to twirl and swirl through the cracks and crevices of fragments of whispered words. Words like ‘don’t let go’ and ‘I wouldn’t dream of it, darling’. Words that are only interrupted by gentle kisses to the forehead and silent promises that would be ruined had they been spoken aloud.

Alexander will pull away from Thomas for just a moment, as if to say no, we shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong and we are wrong and everything we have ever wanted is so very very wrong. Light of streetlamps pulsing against the night sky in weak retaliation that it would not be doing if it could help it. Gazing up at the darkness before him, Alexander leans forward and presses a soft, barely there kiss to Thomas’s collarbone, leaving a light glow of remnants of replacement starlight.

However, a replacement is no substitute for the real thing. When stars shine through from Thomas’s eyes and illuminated Alexander’s thoughts with nearly iridescent glimmers, who is he to judge? Thoughts of his other lovers, of Lafayette’s stormy gaze and John’s gleaming constellations that connect their hearts were of no use to him while he surrendered the atmosphere to soft coiled curls of sunset sunbeams.

Thomas’s embrace was nothing like the clouds that flowed in from the horizon in shades of grey and almost-blues or the not-quite-silence of twinkling stars shining all the way from forever ago in the solar system, or even beyond.

That was the thing about starlight. Scientifically speaking, by the time one observes starlight, the light had to travel thousands, or tens of thousands of lightyears from its point of creation to where the observer stood at that very point in time. By the time stars shine upon you, the light is entirely possible to be from an already deceased star, long ago burned out in a far away solar system that no one will visit any time soon. So when one is presented with the sunlight shining in on them, sunrise and sunset and afternoons in the warmth of hazy glows… The choice is obvious, is it not?

Of course, Lafayette and John had no knowledge that Alexander had been presented with such a choice, let alone made up his mind about it.

On days where the sky was pale blue and storms refused to drift in from the horizon, Alexander found himself in Lafayette’s arms, receiving kisses from John that were peppered onto his cheeks and forehead, mixed with soft laughter, softer even than the clouds.

But nights?

Those were Thomas’s.

Stars sprinkled across the sky, mixed with thick stormclouds did not phase Alexander, who instead chose to illuminate the world on his own with each bright spark of Thomas’s voice intertwined with his own. Their arms were tightly wrapped around each other, holding onto the last remnants of night as the sun rose and shone in from Thomas’s bedroom window that was far too large for him to get any sort of curtains.

Some mornings, when Alexander had been on a ‘business trip’ and he laid in Thomas’s overly expensive bed, the ridiculously soft sheets tangled between his legs and halfway off the bed already, he would awaken to the taller man gazing lovingly down at him. Alexander would reach up sleepily, and cup Thomas’s cheek, asking softly what was wrong, is everything alright, Tommy? Thomas would then smile at him, and turn his head, pressing a kiss to Alexander’s wrist like the first rays of sunlight in the morning, during a time that was not quite sunrise. He would whisper that everything was absolutely perfect, just go back to sleep, ‘Lex.

Alexander supposed that in hindsight, he should have seen it coming. He should have known that those first bits of warmth of day formed into Thomas’s early morning kisses were more than small comforts for the two men. How each and every morning he spent with the man whose coiled-curls of hair flowed out like a halo of sunlight that made him seem as though he were the embodiment of a supernova, bright and bold and taking control of all his senses.

Loving Lafayette and John was soft, smooth, like a creek running through a quiet forest. Gentle and cooling, wrapping around his heart in soft pulls of the water. It was welcoming, it was home, it was everything they had worked so hard for in all those years of loneliness. They had been dying of thirst, and found solace in each other, spreading the flow of affection through diminutive tides that beat down on long-ago smoothed pebbles.

But being in love with Thomas?

That was the first few sparks of fire flowing through the air, setting flame to the dead forest that had once housed a small stream of water through it. Warmth flooded his fingertips with each touch to the other man, and somehow, it was more than matter, something entirely spectacular in its brilliance. Alexander knew, however, that setting fire to his forested mind would only dry out the creek that once flowed so smoothly through, providing relief in the desert life had always seemed to be.

And yet, when they laid together in bed on those silent evenings, already finished with their actions together, Alexander felt his heart skip a beat when Thomas reached over and gripped his wrist tightly, looking up at him with a pleading gaze. Please don’t leave, it said, I can be yours, and you can be mine and we can set fire to the world instead of just watching it burn. Watching the world burn is never something you would want, we both know how haunted you are by inaction. So take my hand and share my bed and illuminate the Earth with flame.

Each time, Alexander silently declined, pulling away and leaving as quickly as possible, to get home to his other lovers. 

He thought he would never give in to Thomas’s pleas.

He knew that exactly the opposite would be the truth.

But when one knows something, and thinks quite the opposite, how long will it take for their mind to shatter, and with those shards cut the hearts of the men they have pretended to love for so long?


End file.
